Actually, it isn't that beautiful. But thanks!

So I've heard this song played on the (Christian) radio station a few times in the past week or two. The first time I heard it, it made me laugh. The second time it I heard it play, it just pissed me off. But that was mostly because I was just in a shitty bad mood.

The first mistake this band made was naming their group,"We As Human".  It just sounds so dumb and like they're trying way too hard to have a clever name. They should have called themselves, "We're Cliche But Know How To Rhyme Like Nobody's Business". 

So, this is the part of the song that most annoyed me (the most)

But isn't it beautiful
The way we fall apart
It's magical and tragic all the ways we break our hearts

So unpredictable
We're comfortably miserable
We think we're invincible
Completely unbreakable
Maybe we are
Isn't it beautiful
The way we all fall apart 

First of all, when I first heard the guy sing this song, I swore he was saying "tragical" and not "tragic all". So in all fairness, he gets two points for not actually rhyming magical and tragical. 

But dear Lord almighty...besides the complete unoriginality of this song, I have an issue with what it is saying, as well. I mean, it's not super deep or anything, but I'm just like, um...no...actually, it isn't beautiful when I fall apart. And there sure as heck isn't anything "magical" about it. When I fall apart, there are tears, boogers, excessive consumption of chocolate in all forms, and breakdowns that leave me exhausted and frustrated with God/myself and feeling confused.  Falling apart is not fun. It isn't pretty. I don't find it magical or beautiful when I'm in it. God can and does absolutely bring redemption from the most heartbreaking situations...but I just hate when Christians slap cheesy phrases on the the most difficult things we can experience in life. Like, "comfortably miserable"? I'm sorry, but what the hell. Honestly, I don't even know what that means.

I'm sure that whatever message this band was trying to convey is great. But the way they went about expressing it was anything but magical. In fact, it was quite tragic all the ways this song broke my heart. It was just so dang predictable and left me feeling pretty miserable. Truly, only God could take this broken song and make it something beautiful.

Something...New. And Kind Of Boring.

I need to write, and I need to stop stopping myself from expressing what I am thinking about and feeling. Most things I write won't be funny or especially deep...but I need to write--I want to write--for me. So the tone of this blog might be slightly different for a while. It might be a little bit more of me just...talking about my days and/or my week.

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It's been a long week. It's been a week full of changes and unknowns and long days, late nights, and not enough sleep. I've single-handedly financially supported the chocolate industry this week (the chocolate-covered raisin industry, to be precise.) I've consumed both too much and too little caffeine, not spent enough time with God, and said too many goodbyes and not enough hellos. I procrastinated too much about important things and used so much bleach yesterday that I lost all sense of smell and taste for 3 hours (I scrubbed my floor and tub and tile within an inch of its life.) Oh, and I've eaten a lot of gummy lifesavers. Can I just say...who the hell decided it was a good idea to add 39857 cherry flavored lifesavers and only 5 orange flavored lifesavers, to each bag? It's like when you buy a can of mixed nuts, and you get 3 pistachios, 13 almonds, 8 mystery nuts, and 5000 peanuts. No one one the damned peanuts!!!

so, earlier today, I went to a park near my house to sit and think and try to talk to God. I've been putting off talking to God. It's just like every time I sit down to talk to him....I just don't know what to say. But it is because there is so much to say. I just don't know where to begin. But I'll probably expand on that later.

In other random news... I accidentally sent a text message to the dad of the kid I nanny for (instead of my friend who had just texted me saying she had dyed her hair) which said, "Send me a picture!!!" This was my first week working for this family...so talk about awkward. I quickly realized what I had done, and tried to correct my mistake by saying, "Oops! I sent that to the wrong friend. Unless you just died your hair?" Ha ha ha...so smooth, Lauren. So smooth. Or not...because I had to send another text to correct myself yet again when I realized I had said "died" and not "dyed". Face in my hands

Manna

OK. So I don't really know what the heck this is. Sometimes it rhymes...other times...it doesn't. If I were a poet, I would call this a poem. If I were a musician, I'd make this into a song. But I'm me. So this is just a thing.

 

  Manna 

When I can't see 

How you're going to provide for me

What you've given me for today
I always try to save
To ease the pain of a different day

I think that perhaps I should wait
Hide the manna away
To be prepared and ready
for the hunger of a future day

                           But it doesn't work like that                             

          Because what you've given me for this specific moment        

               Is not what my soul will need          

                           To be sustained tomorrow                            

The bread doesn't last

The grace for yesterday's pain 
When saved, rather than engaged
Won't help ease tomorrow's troubles

Yet I starve myself in the moment

In order to have a sense of control 

For a more secure tomorrow

Because I'd rather have the assurance 

Of a stale crust stuffed into my pocket

Than trust that you'll provide

Fresh grace to my soul every morning 

Because it's hard to trust

When I'm hungry in my soul so much

That you'll continually provide what I need 

So instead I keep asking to see 

Exactly how you plan to provide for me

While I'm still swallowing my lunch

So I try to save it

Or refuse to partake in it

Afraid you didn't mean it 

When you said not to save it

The Israelite

In my life

Is me