Aware

You know how when you buy a new car you suddenly begin to see "your car" everywhere? And you begin to think that everyone is driving "your car".

I think I have heard/read at least three different stories about adoption this week. It seems that everywhere I turn, I find another story about adoption. I don't know if it is because I have been thinking about it a lot the past week and so my eyes and ears are just noticing a few stories, or if I am actually encountering an odd amount of "adoption-ness" for one week. Maybe a mixture of both.

Yes, I am adopted. Kidding. I had actually always wished growing up that I was adopted. Unfortunately, all us kid's births were videotaped--which, as a child, was both disturbing and slightly dream-crushing. Okay, it is definitely still disturbing.

When we were younger, every once in a while our family would watch home videos. We would all be laughing about how cute we were and how crazy so and so's hair was...then we would run into "a birth". Seeing as how there are five of us, this happened fairly often in our home videos. An awkward silence would fall over us as we would slowly trickle out of the room until the labor was over or until someone had the sense to fast forward through the video.

Confessions

Radio Confession Part I:

I have had K92 FM pre-programed into my car radio for three weeks. All I know is that my boyfriend left me so I jumped into my truck with my dog and drank a beer. (No, I don't have a boyfriend, truck, or dog. Or beer. At the moment.)

Actually, this whole country music thing happened in a moment of weakness.

My ipod's battery was dead.

It was a beautiful fall day.

...and if I heard one more Lady GaGa/Justin Bieber/Taylor Swift song my ears were going to start bleeding. Or I would scream. Or I would scream while my ears bled.

Radio Confession part II.

K92 replaced Z88.3 in my car's pre-programed stations.

I am not sure if the confession is that I had previously actually had Z88.3 programed into my car radio, or that I replaced Z88.3 with K92.

Love?

There are people in this world who are not loved.

Children...babies...who aren't loved or cared for. It breaks my heart.

I have been loved so well, so completely, my whole life. Loved by family, friends, and the Lord.
I keep asking myself, why have I been given so much love? What is the point of it all?

The point, I think, is to give it away. Because as I said, there are unloved people in this world.

People of any age who are not loved or care for always hurt my heart. But it tears my heart out and takes my breath away when I see images, hear stories, or realize the reality that there are children who are not hugged...babies who are not held and kissed and rocked to sleep. Seeing lonely and vulnerable people of any age often makes me sad. But children and babies... They are just so easy to love. You don't need words. You just need hands and arms. And a heart.

I have been loved well not so I can continually bask in it, but so that I can go and love those who have not been so fortunate. How are we to love others if we have not been loved ourselves?

I am only able to love because Christ has loved me first. Perhaps the people who I am supposed to love will vary throughout my life. That goes along with what I have been learning... God's purpose in/for my life will look like different things at different times in my life. I need to stop trying to put what (I think) God's desire for my life is, in a box. I need to stop thinking I know "the one thing" he wants me to do. Because there isn't one thing. Sure, there is one general calling that we have as followers of Christ. But that is not what I am talking about.

The thing is...I have no idea what my life is going to look like or be like. I have no idea where I will live or who I will live with. I have no idea what I will do or with who I will do it with. I don't know where I will go and who will be going with me.

It scares me so much. I just want to be in control. But I am not...gosh I hate it sometimes--okay, pretty much all the time.

Sorry to all my non-existent readers for the semi-pointless post.

Random Thoughts on Evangelism (or, Hopefully Not As Boring As It Sounds)

"Nearly 7000 people went through Scaremare this weekend. Over 1000 people committed their lives to Christ! That is something to rejoice in."

(A facebook comment from a friend of mine)

I have such mixed feelings about these sort of things. My first thought is, "oh good, we scared 1000 people into committing their lives to Christ...that's the way to get it done, my friends!" (Sarcasm)

It's like when I go to Cranes Roost to run, and see a person holding out a track to a couple and overhear them saying, "can I give you a 30 second quiz on whether you will go to heaven or hell?"

Or when someone hands me a track and I say, "I am actually already a Christian" and they say, "take it anyway". I completely understand that "being a Christian" doesn't mean the same thing to everybody...there are many many "Christians". But what if someone had tried to engage me in a conversation not a conversion? What if someone had started a dialogue? What if they had taken the time to say, "Why don't you tell me what being a Christian means to you, personally?". Instead I get a track (re)shoved in my hands.

But my second thought, especially with handing out tracks, is that at least they were doing/saying something. And that is more than can be said for me, many times. Does that kind of evangelism really turn people off? Or does it, albeit perhaps subconsciously, raise/plant thoughts and questions in people's minds?

While I was in Italy, at times I did what felt (to my ever-so-sensitive-and-scared-to-feel-uncomfortable-American-self) some types of evangelism that, well, made me a little uncomfortable--more, in-your-face types. (Not really in their face, just a lot of "putting yourself out there" with strangers.)

By the end of my time in Italy I had formed relationships with Italians, and my words about Christ to them meant so much more to me, because I cared about them as individuals-- not about converting them, per se. I wanted them to know Christ because I cared about them and wanted them to see the hope and redemption that Christ can bring into their lives. I definitely think people can tell when someone has an agenda. Don't we all more openly (and trustingly?) listen to people's words when we know that they are coming from the heart of someone who genuinely cares for us and not from someone who is trying to win an argument or make a point?

I think there are so people who truly have a heart for "the lost"--(hello Christian-ism!) and don't need to spend months building relationships to care deeply about someone's salvation. In fact I would say that the two girls I worked with in Italy were like that. Me...not so much.

Anyways, these are just my mixed thoughts and feelings on the subject.