Waiting (or, Way Too Many Commas Used) Part I

And so, here I am. Again. During this season of Advent--during this season of waiting.

I read this article at Relevant magazine (online) yesterday, about the season of Advent, and I just felt God speak to my heart in a way that he hasn't in a while--and thus was born this (long--and probably quite confusing) stream of consciousness. 

Now, before I say anything else, I want to say that this is going to be a little bit more serious (and 100x longer) than the other things I have written. But it is something that I need to write, if only for myself.

Advent. A season of waiting, of longing, of expectation...of preparation. Now, I am not a new Christian, but honestly, it wasn't until last year that I began to look past the simple act of lighting a candle each week in church and truly began understand the deeply personal nature of Advent, and its relevance today, in my life.

Last year at this time I was (tentatively) preparing to go to Italy for four months. And when I say tentatively, I mean tentatively. I honestly did not know if I would be able to go. I didn't know if God even wanted me to go. I was hoping, longing, waiting...and wondering. (Sorry for all the W's. I'm not trying to be all cutesy, I promise.) But I was wondering if this longing, this hope, this anticipation was all in vain. It was during this time last year that this season of Advent became deeply personal. (As you may or may not know, I did go to Italy)

And now I am back to another December. Another Advent, and perhaps not ironically, another season of waiting. Maybe it is no accident where I am emotionally, spiritually, and physically. The questions I ask myself during the times when my trust and my faith in God are being tested are not just  "do I really believe this? Do I really believe he is going to come through?" but, how deeply in my heart do I believe it. Do I decide to play it safe--to keep some of the cards in my hand just in case the whole "God thing" doesn't work out or just in case God doesn't come through this time...or do I believe him enough to lay all my cards on the table--and to risk my sanity in the process (sometimes trying to trust God feels so abstract and it confuses the heck out of me). Following Christ isn't something new to me, but I am feeling my faith in God being stretched in a deeper way than I have experienced before. And it is Uncomfortable. And hard. Maybe it is not so much if I believe in God, but to what extent am I going to believe him.

Going back to Advent... The longing. The hope. I feel afraid to hope. I am afraid these longings will never be fulfilled. I am feeling the pull of the drudgery of the mundane. I feel like I am hoping for something...waiting for something that is about to happen and then everything is going to be so clear. Then, all these feelings that have completely surrounded me this whole semester will make sense, when God comes and makes sense of it all. When he comes and pulls back the curtain and says, "see Lauren, I told you that you did not need to doubt me. I never left you. I am always with you...you just will not always see what is unfolding until it has unfolded." I think the cry of my heart is probably very similar to the cries from the hearts of the people waiting for their messiah to come, 2,000 years ago: When will he come?. Will he comes. We've been waiting so long...is his redemption actually coming? For us? For me. Here. Now. In the mundane that has been tugging on me. Is there a hope? Is there a Hope coming? Here? Now?

"For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known" (1 Cor. 13:12) Then I will see. Then I will understand. Then I won't doubt. Then I will believe. But right now I am at here. And I can't wait till I arrive at then, to believe that God is who he says he is and that he will do what he says he will do.