Tuesday, November 29, 2011

To My Future Husband (From 10 Years Ago)

I found this letter in one of my old journals awhile ago. It's something I wrote to my "future husband" from 10 years ago. It's pretty adorable. And Hilarious. And more than slightly heartbreaking.


Dear Husband,
I wish that I knew who you were so much. I pray for you every day. It's wonderful to know that you love me. I love you too. Even though I don't know you. Or, maybe I do. I wish I could just talk to you for a little while. Tell me everything will be OK. Tell me that you'll always love me. I'm only 12 now, but you love that 12 year old who is writing this. Thank you for waiting. Thank you for loving God. Thank you for being who you are. Thank you for loving who I am, regardless of what I am not. You won't call me Jenny. You also won't compare me with her. No, I can't sing and dance as well as her, but I am me. And you love me. And I love you. I always have. I know that it might be a long hard wait, but please wait. Please don't keep anything from me. I'll strive to do the same. I know that we will have to go through a lot probably, everyone does, but with God's help, we can do it. I have no clue who you are, but I know you are out there. I guess that is all! I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART!!!!

Always your wife in life and in Christ,
Lauren


Haha seriously, how ridiculously adorable (and slightly pathetic?) is that all? What a cheesy awesome 12 year old I was. However, I have no idea what I meant by, "always your wife in life and in Christ." I mean, I get the "in life" part. But I'm his wife...in Christ? What?

It's funny, because it also reminds me of when I once believed that there was one certain person I was supposed to marry and everyone else was wrong because they weren't that person. You know, the whole, "God picked that person out for me since the beginning of time" thing. Or something like that. Honestly...I don't really believe that there is only one right person anymore. I think there are a lot of people that could be right. I wish I still believed that there was really one person set aside for me, it would almost make things easier. but I don't know that God/life works like that. And I don't know that I need (or want) it to work that way, anymore.

Say goodbye to the romantic in me.

I guess 10 years does that to a girl. (Oh I know..woe is me!)
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2 comments:

  1. Nobody and NothingNovember 29, 2011 at 7:54 PM

    Wow Lauren,

    How old age has really disillusioned you! I really take issue with the way that girls are programmed these days to be these "love machines" where all they focus on is love, and who to be with, and getting married, and love... love... love...

    Like little Bella's from twilight.

    That's the saddest part really, because it clouds the mind from everything else life is about. The problem is, the more you focus on it, the worse it gets. My personal test is to ask myself

    "What if God wanted me to be alone for the rest of my life? Could I live with that?"

    It was hard to answer at first, but I know the answer is yes. Any relationship that I could have that isn't advancing God's glory isn't one I want to have. It's possible to have one. They exist. They're out there man...

    I get lonely often, and the truth of the matter is that he probably isn't going to ask me to be alone for my whole life, but at least now feel prepared for what destiny (his plan) is going to bring.

    So, I'm glad to see you're disillusioned in a small way, because you won't get caught up in a life of meaninglessness like all the other women out there. Although, I hope you haven't hardened your heart to what's possible... because it would be simply tragic if you didn't have little Lauren babies someday.

    My personal philosophy about "the one and only" is that if God wants me to be in a relationship, then it will be the easiest thing ever. I won't have to struggle with it very much. If he doesn't... then I won't have one. Simple... If you think about it that way, the one you end up with is essentially "the one". So maybe your younger self was right.

    I enjoy reading these. I write letters to myself also, and not in a journal of some kind. I look forward to pulling them out 10 years from now and seeing what my mind was focused on in it's infancy. I even have a letter about you!, but of course I'll never let anyone see that.

    Drew

    Also, P.S. - The saddest part about your letter here is that middle part about Jenny. That's dumb, anybody who ever compared you two is dumb. You guys are completely different, and you only have to spend a small amount of time to figure that out. Unobservant people I guess...

    ReplyDelete
  2. LoreNovember 30, 2011 at 4:14 PM

    Thanks for your thoughtful comment, Drew.


    But in order to be fair, I have to say that I think the one person who compared me to Jenny the most was...myself.

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This blog is basically how I de-stress from 1.) all the awkwardness I encounter and cause on a daily basis and 2.) life in general. You know all of those little situations and bumps in the road that you don't give a second that about? (No, you don't know, because you didn't give them a second thought.) Well, those kinds of situations tend to create existential dilemmas in my soul. So at some point I will probably give you too much in depth information on my emotional, spiritual, and mental health, because some self-absorbed part of me thinks you really want to know.

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