Long, Drawn Out And Semi-Serious? Yes!

Note to reader: You are so excited to read this. So excited. I promise, you are. That feeling you got when you scrolled down to see how long this whole thing was? Yep. That was the feeling of excitement. You know you want to read every single word of this crazy long post. It's okay, I don't blame you. I would totally want to read a ridiculously long rant about dating that someone else wrote, too. Or not.

So, the other day I came across a video. It is basically a very sweet and genuine girl encouraging other girls to make maintaining a relationship with God a higher priority than finding a boyfriend. And while the general message of what she is saying is true, there were just a few things that she said that I wanted to address. Here is the video: (Christ First Relationship) You should probably watch it, because I just picked out little phrases here and there, for this post.

She Said:

"...And it is incredible how that desire for an earthly being is completely cut off, when you put Christ first because He extinguishes all desire for an earthly person, because he is beyond that and above that."

"First seek a relationship with the Lord...and through that relationship and through growing in strength in the Lord, you will then be given the best guy that you could ever imagine."

First of all, I really don't want to pick on this girl--it's just that she put into words a message that I feel is prevalent in the Christian dating books that I read growing up (...growing up in the "I kissed My Life Dating Goodbye" era.) And the message I received as a young girl is that you get the guy when you don't want him anymore. And you must love God more, and when you love God enough, God will give you this awesome Christian man. And you will have earned it. Consequently I've always felt that I must reach some (mystical) place of being so deeply satisfied in God that all other desires are swept away in this overflow of devotion to God...and I would then be caught up in this place where all (cute, blue-eyed, music loving) godly men are somehow...invisible? 

Consequently, I did two things for many years

1.) The whole, "Yo God, look at me! I'm satisfied in you and now you can bring that person along" thing. But, being the bright young grasshopper that I was, I also knew that a guy/relationship would "happen" only when I wasn't looking/expecting it to happen. So...cue feigned indifference. Haha.Yeah okay. (Dang you God for always knowing the true state of my heart!)

2.) I have striven to get a certain place where my longing for a person was just completely surpassed and eradicated by this intense desire for God. (I have yet to become a different species--which is what I am convinced must happen to get to that place)

So do I think that people lie about being satisfied in God above everything else? Of course not. But I think that it has been both misrepresented and misunderstood what being satisfied in God can look like. I also believe there is an important difference, which is not often clarified, between discontentment and longing. The dictionary defines discontent as “not being pleased or satisfied” and longing as “A strong desire for something or someone.” What I am referring to in this post is longing, not discontentment. And I don't think that longing for a relationship is necessarily a sign of discontentment in God.
 
For example, maybe contentment isn't always a tangible feeling or the absence of longing, but rather, the manifestation in your practical life/actions of a deeper fulfillment in Christ that goes beyond feelings. Perhaps our level of “contentment” should be judged not by our feelings of longing but by our actions. As Proverbs 27:7 says, "One who is full loathes honey, but to one who is hungry everything bitter is sweet." I take that to mean basically this: True contentment allows a person to be picky. When you are truly satisfied you are less inclined to eat the "pretty good" stuff, let alone consume crap. So, what are you (proverbially) putting into your body? Are you willing to wait a little longer for the best or are you so starved that you're going to eat whatever crap is placed in front of you? Although it isn't always so black and white... the crap rarely temps me. It's the "Acceptable/almost good enough/now I am just being too dang picky and I should probably just be satisfied with this" stuff that is more difficult to refuse.

Let's do a crap scale (what, you've never heard of a crap scale?)
McDonalds coffee = crap
Panera/Starbucks coffee = pretty good acceptable
Authentic macchiato/cappuccino from Italy.... = the real deal

Most of you would accept the Starbucks coffee, wouldn't you? That's because it's not bad! It is totally, completely, socially...acceptable. (Okay, sorry for the cheesy analogy.)

But I digress. Have I ever reached a place where I actually didn't want a relationship? I have. And it was a lovely two or three months in la la land. During those months it was the first time in my life when I prayed that God would not bring any potential person into my life. And actually meant it. No faking. Did God bring that person along then? Nope. (Which is awesome, because I genuinely didn't want him to at that point.)

But it is also easy (okay, easier) to trust God when you have already realized for yourself that the time isn't right--when you've realized that you need to get your ducks in a row (which was a large part of why I didn't want a relationship.) But what about when your ducks are in a straight line...and then God still doesn't bring someone into your life? Personally, it is in those times that I get the most frustrated. "What now God?! You mean to tell me that I am still not good enough to deserve someone? What else can I possibly do?! Seriously God, how much more awesome can I get?"

I can't count the amount of times I have heard/read stories or "testimonials" (that's what they begin to sound like) of girls saying, "For the first time in my life I felt satisfied and content in God, and then (poof!) God dropped this burning hunk of love right in my lap." Sometimes I can't help but wonder how long God made those girls wait in the "feeling completely and utterly satisfied in God alone" place. But that is probably just my cynical self speaking... However, like I said, despite how I am feeling on any given day or month, I still find my ultimate comfort in my Father because he is enough even when he doesn't feel like it. Aside from those few short months last year, He has yet to make the desire and longing for a person go away. And honestly, I don't know that that longing, per se, is something that needs to be "overcome." (This is a learning process for me too, so maybe in another year I will have learned something new and changed my mind about this.)

But maybe sometimes God doesn't give you what you want (especially right when you want it) even when your way is pleasing to Him. Even when you are putting him first. Even when you truly do desire him above other things in your life and are living that out. God is not withholding anything good from you. Yes, perhaps His gift in this moment looks different than the type of gift he is giving to other people (and slightly less attractive/warm/hug-able. I feel you, sister) But I absolutely believe it is still a good gift. An equal gift. And our Father knows his children and knows what will bring us the deepest joy. (Sometimes what brings the deepest joy is humbly yielding to the way that God has chosen to work in you life.) Will we be faithful with the gift that he is giving us right now?

How about instead of striving to get to a place where our desire for a man/woman/relationship is gone, or instead of becoming a Super Christian/a superior being who is above the normal range of human emotions, (because we have God and God is our boyfriend/girlfriend and all that weird jazz...) how about we take a deep breath. And then take a walk through the woods or run on the beach or go hike a mountain...and actually let ourselves be human for a while--and allow God be with us in our longing for that person, instead of asking him to take away the longing.

Do I need God to take away every longing? Can I trust him enough when he doesn't? Reality check: God's goal for me in life is not my comfort.

I have found that I can experience a much deeper rest in God in the midst of my longings when I stop trying to put on a brave front and just be real with God that I do have a deep desire for a person/relationship...but that I trust and love Him more--and that is why I will continue to live, change, and grow in my life as I wait. As I longingly, yet trustingly, wait in hopeful (although at times uncomfortable) expectation.

And you know what? God might choose to not bring someone into my life for years. Because in the end, He is God. And I want what he wants more than I want my own way. He is my God. And he is good all the time. Right now, when he isn't giving me everything I want--whether that is direction, purpose, a relationship, or certain opportunities. He is a good God now--not when every longing and desire is filled, but in all of my (unfilled) longings and desires.