Blogging: My Passive Aggressive Way Of Addressing Issues Near And Dear To My Heart

I've never really understood why people hate Valentines Day so much. How can one day be such a sad/bitter day for some people?

I think that there was (probably) a time back in middle school when I felt lonely or sad on Valentines Day. But since then, I've become superhuman and no longer feel such paltry emotions like the rest of the pathetic human race. Kidding. Kind of. I mean, it's not that I purposely try not to "buy into" the whole Valentines Day thing. I neither love it nor hate it. I'm just kind of apathetic about it. If you have someone "special" in your life, great. Spend the day letting the person know that you care about them. If you don't have someone in your life right then...first of all, chill out. Second, why not let someone else in your life know that they are cared about, instead of groveling in your sea of self pity, all day long?

I'm sorry, but I don't understand the extremes that people feel about Valentines Day. I suppose I can understand feeling lonely if you have just ended a relationship, and now Valentines Day is reminding you that you don't have the person that you genuinely cared about, to share the day with. Really, I do understand the normal range of human emotions (I haven't completely shut them off yet). It is just these crazy extremists who either feel that Valentines Day is the spawn Satan or the most joyous day of the year. 

Unfortunately, I can already see the ever lovely Facebook news feed on February 14th, clogged up with ridiculous cries for help from my more...emotionally unstable...single friends. Those types of statuses will probably get two "likes" from fellow emotionally unstable girls, and perhaps a few comments saying, "Aw, sorry baby. Text me if you want 2 talk." (Except that they won't use any punctuation or capitalization in their comment.) And I can also see all the status updates from my "I am Woman, hear me roar" friends, touting the reasons why singleness is such a gift and how men can't complete us. Those statuses will probably receive 20 "likes" and more than a few comments saying things such as, "Oh, so true girlfriend! Way to be. We are so okay on our own!"

Come on people, rise above. It's just a day. We're all adults here, (okay..so that might not necessarily be true). But let's try to act like it at least.

Antarctica

Left behind everything I knew
All the colors but bone-white and sky-blue
Hit the continent running
Engines were humming just to break through... (The Weepies)


So, today is a year since I left. Crazy crazy crazy. Over this next week I think I might post certain things I wrote while I was away. We'll see how much I actually put up on here. This first one is a mixture of things I wrote from the last four days I was in Italy. I am sure this is all super boring to you. Believe me, I don't expect any of you non-existent readers to actually read this. But for some reason, putting it up here...it helps me.

Today is Friday.  I just finished two days of graduation for the students in Udine and Valvasone. Last night was the Valvasone graduation and we spent the night at Tom and Maureen's. I am still at their house right now. Today is absolutely beautiful. From Maureen's porch I can look out over a whole bunch of fields and vineyards. I went for a short run this morning. It probably will be my last one here in Valvasone. Well, now it is noon and the obnoxious loud church bells are going off. I guess I should say "ringing" but it's not so much ringing as a crazy loud gong that goes on for 5 minutes and gives me a headache. Welcome to Italy--or Valvasone, at least. But that is all part of the beauty. I think.


I am trying to enjoy this moment and not thing about what i may have to face next. Four days until I leave Italy. As I was laying in bed this morning it started to sink in that I was actually leaving. I have very mixed feelings about leaving. My main reason for being ready to go home is that I will have more control over my life again--what I do or don't do, who I see or don't see, where I go or don't go. All of that has been out of my control for four months. I know that  part of this experience was about letting go...about not having control and trusting God. There have been times when I have felt the nearness of God in a way I never had before--it was in the moments when I completely let go of my right to myself. Honestly, I have hated every second of giving up control. Maybe it is bad that I am looking forward to having some of my control back? Maybe it means I didn't learn what I should have learned...

What?

Yesterday my mom basically told me to marry someone for money, above love.

What? Seriously? She justified it by saying that, "you can grow to love anyone". How horrible is that? Call me old school, but aren't you at least supposed to pretend that you would choose love over money?

Then she also proceeded to tell me not to marry a person just because I fall in love with them. Rather, not to marry the first person I love. Or the second. Or even the third, necessarily. I am definitely not even close to being in love with anyone right now, but still...what kind of advice are mothers giving to their daughters these days?

Honestly, I don't think my heart could handle loving someone...or more than one person, and then deciding to walk away--for whatever reason. I would rather not put myself in a position or situation where I could potentially love someone...until I am... sure?..sure it would work out?..sure I wouldn't get hurt or hurt them? I don't want to hurt another person just as much as I don't want to be hurt myself. I know I know. That is probably unrealistic. But that is kind of what I have tried to do all my life--stay uninvolved, not get to too close anyone or let anyone else get too close. It has kind of worked...and it kind of has not.

My mom wants me to be completely rational. Can't love be the one thing in my life that isn't a completely rational decision? Obviously I would want to be discerning, but I don't know that I want to be completely rational about love. If you are always completely rational and in control, is it really love? I think love should sometimes make you feel not so in control or rational. Or maybe that is just infatuation. I've read the Christian books about love vs. lust. vs. infatuation...  Believe me, I'm a good little Christian girl and I know all the Bible verses about what love really is. I know that love isn't about the feeling.

All I am saying is that I think that love is such a crazy thing that it makes us willing to lay down our lives for someone. Love is such a crazy thing that we are sometimes moved to set aside our pride and our desire to be right, for the sake of another person. Love is such a crazy thing that we strive to be patient and kind with someone when our natural tendency is to become frustrated and easily angered. Love is such a crazy thing that it makes us choose to put another person's interests and well being above our own. Love is such a crazy thing that it makes us willing to forgive another person, when it would be easier to stand on our soap box and count off all the wrong things that a person has done.

I've never been in love. Sometimes I wonder if it is real. Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires. (Song of Solomon 8:4) I've never understood exactly what that verse means.