Timeline…Meh, That Will Be A Post For Another Time

For the past nine months or so, I have been going to this thing called Regroup. Basically, it is like group counseling. After what I went through with my depression and anxiety a year ago, I knew that I needed to go to counseling. And I did go to two different counselors for about 4-5 months…but it was just too expensive to continue. (Wow, I just used all three different to/too/twos in one sentence. Is there some award for that?) Anyways. Regroup has been an awesome (and free) alternative. (I still hope to do one-on-one counseling at some point in the near-ish future...once I come upon a large sum of money.)

The Regroup process has three different phases: Phase 1) Recognize. Phase 2) Return. Phase 3) Restore. In the first phase (Recognize) you have three different "deliverables" to complete before moving on to the second phase. First, you have to do what they call, "name it and claim it" which is basically identifying what it is in your life that has become unmanageable--or, if you are like 99.9 percent of the women in the group, you pick the one thing in your life that is most unmanageable. Usually that will be the thing (behavior) that brought a person to Regroup. So, that could be anything from drug usage to drinking to co-dependancy to eating disorders or isolation. Or, it could be a life situation that brought you there, like death, depression, divorce, or whatever other word begins with the letter "d". (I'm obviously kidding. I really didn't try to pick three "d" words.) The second thing you have to do after figuring out what your "name it and claim it" is to have 30 days of consecutive sobriety from that thing. (That is a little bit more tricky to figure what to give up for 30 days if what brought you to regroup was more of a life situation and not an "addiction" per se.) Then, the third and final step in the first phase, is to write a letter of forgiveness from yourself (and/or from God) to yourself. And then you read the letter to everyone in the group. 

I spent about 7-8 months in the first phase. Just for reference, it is supposed to take you about 8-12 weeks. I pretty much knew from the first week what the thing was that I needed to have 30 days of sobriety from (bingeing--in regards to food.) But, my eating disorder was not what brought me to Regroup, and honestly, it was not the thing that was unmanageable in my life at that point. So, my "name it and claim it" (the thing that was unmanageable and brought me to Regroup) was anxiety and depression. But, my go-to coping mechanism for anxiety and depression was bingeing with food. It took me a few months and a few restarts of trying to do my 30 days (and failing) before getting my 30 days done. Honestly, it wasn't a perfect 30 days. I still tried to use food in different ways during that time. But it was worlds different than anything I dreamed I would ever be able to do, even just two years ago. I mean, two years ago, I was not physically capable of going 30 days without bingeing--the idea would have been laughable. Anyways. After the 30 days I wrote my "forgiveness letter" and read it to the group. I am pretty sure that every person that I have heard read their forgiveness letter throughout my months at Regroup, has cried while reading their letter. Conversely, my letter reading time was pretty emotionless. I was just like, "Yay for having a dead heart! And lack of emotions! Feeling nothing is so awesome! Sarcasm!" It has actually been extremely frustrating for me to not be able to cry during this process. Like, I joke about it…but it kind of makes me  feel a little dead inside to not be able to cry when I'm hurting. Crying can be incredibly healing. 

So, none of this is what I was going to write about. I was going to write about how in this second phase of Regroup (Return) I have to write out this whole timeline of my life and major life events. But I guess I will write about that later. Because this post is already long (and depressing) enough. But, I am actually going to add my letter of forgiveness that I wrote. Now, I just want to say why I am talking about this all and sharing this letter. I get that it is personal. Really personal. Maybe I shouldn't talk about it online where it can never be removed for all of eternity. Maybe I'll delete this in a week if I decide I feel like it is too personal. But I just don't want to keep all of this inside of me. Because…what would be the point of that? These struggles and victories are meant to be shared. I know that I am healed and encouraged and challenged by hearing about other people's stories. I am always so thankful that other people aren't mourning their losses and celebrating their victories alone, but allowing others into their story. So, that is where I am with it all at this point. But, knowing me, my feelings about it will change in a few days :) 

(Below is the letter of forgiveness. The first part is me writing to myself. The second part is what I think God would say to me.) 

Lauren,

I know that you haven’t wanted to write much over the past year. It was just so overwhelming for you to sit down and try to sort through all of your thoughts and feelings. You had spent months of writing journal entries where you tried to figure out what was going on with you and why you were so filled with dread and sadness every day...and there were never any answers to be found. As the months went on, these feelings worsened and the dread and sadness became a deep depression filled with anxiety and panic. You didn’t know what was happening or how to stop it or fix it. You felt unable to surrender this “thing” to God, because you didn’t even have a name for what was going on inside of you. 

Eventually you got to the point where you couldn’t think clearly about anything anymore. You didn’t know how you got to this place and when you were honest with yourself, you didn’t really believe there was a way out. You felt too far gone. The only thing you knew is that following God and obeying him by letting go of your dependance on food to comfort you, calm you, and protect you, was part of the reason of how you got here. You just hoped that if following God had led you to this place, that continuing to follow him would eventually lead you out of the darkness and constant panic. 

But you felt gypped by God. You felt like God had misled you on what “the other side” of being free from being in bondage (for almost a decade) to an eating disorder, would look like. You were like an Israelite-- you wanted to run back to Egypt and slavery because at least it was a pain you understood. It was a familiar pain and a struggle that you were, in some sense, self-inflicting and in control over. But you knew that there was no going back at this point. So you kept going forward. But the weight of months of depression and anxiety took it’s toll on you--mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. After months of feeling every emotion entirely too deeply, you lost the ability to feel anything at all. 

Lauren, I know you still struggle with wondering if the things you felt and thought during those weeks and months disqualified you from being a child of God. I know you’re frustrated as you write this, because you can’t find the words. You’re overwhelmed as you write this, because all of what you’re writing about is still so recent and you’re still scared. I know you aren’t sure if you can forgive yourself for 1.) something you are still dealing with--namely, depression and anxiety and 2.) something that isn't "sin" per se. But Lauren, I know that the forgiveness you long for and need to hear verbalized, is from God first and foremost. 

***

Lauren, 

I love you in the middle of your struggle with depression. 
I know your mom does not understand it. Lauren, I loved you during those weeks when you couldn’t even say my name because you weren’t sure if I was there. I loved you that day when you couldn’t take my silence any longer, and even though you wanted to hold on to me, you didn’t have the strength to. You told me that you were done with me and walked away from where you had been sitting and praying and talking to me. And I loved you so much when, in total frustration and pissed-off ness, you turned around, walked back to where you had been praying, and told me that you didn’t mean it, but you just didn’t know how to hold on to me any longer. You didn’t want to live any longer. And that was when you decided to take the anti-depressants. I know you have been ashamed and disappointed in yourself that you couldn’t overcome depression by just “trusting in me” more. I know how frustrated you are that you had to start taking anti-depressants and that they have been part of my way to help the healing process. I know it is not how you wanted me to do it. 

Lauren, you are forgiven for every time over the years that you used food to ease your loneliness. And it is not your fault that you didn’t realize it was more than loneliness that you were trying to ignore, suppress, or hide. You used food to give you a sense of predictability and control over your life, emotions, and thoughts. It is not your fault for not realizing that you were using food and bingeing to keep your world, your thoughts and feelings, your life, and even me, your God...small, safe, and predictable. I do not hold your depression against you. You are accepted and love by me, even when you still struggle with depression, anxiety, and panic. I accept you as you are, because I already paid the price. 

Lauren, I knew all about this long before you were born. I knew what was under the surface of your struggles all along.

When you accepted me into your life and began to have a relationship with me over 15 years ago, you didn’t know the depth of your sin. Even just a few years ago, you thought I was pretty damn lucky to have you as part of my team. But I knew, Lauren. Before I gave you a glimpse of your own heart, I knew all of these things about you. It was you who was surprised at the sinfulness and depravity inside of your heart. I already knew. I already knew you completely, daughter. And I knew that there was no good in you apart from me. I knew the depth of your struggles and need. I knew what all of it meant. I knew every thought you were going to have and every emotion you were going to feel and every time you would tell me that you were done with me. I knew about this season that you were going to walk through. I knew, Lauren. I know it all. I know everything you are going to say and do and think and feel in the future. And I still chose you. It is already paid for. I am not the one who is surprised by what is inside of you, Lauren. I know it all, and I love you. And I forgive you.