Rewiring

As I am writing this, there is a near to empty bowl of oatmeal sitting next to me. It is 12:24pm. Not technically morning anymore, but to a mind and body that once ate as little as possible until as late in the day as possible (and sometimes that meant not eating a meal until between 6:00pm-8:00pm) noon is pretty early to be sitting down to eat a "whole" of anything.

There are two main reasons why, just a few years ago, I would attempt to eat as little as possible for as long as possible during the day.

1.) There was a 90 percent chance that I had binged the night before (fairly soon before going to bed) so I really wasn't that hungry until about 3pm the next day.

2.) My eating disorder was an addiction. So in a sense, I was addicted to food. Rather, I was addicted to the feeling that I got when I binged with food. Consequently, if I started eating, I couldn't stop eating until I noticed that my stomach was starting to ache. So I would put off the seemingly inevitable food-binge that would begin whenever I started eating, until late in the day when there was nothing else I needed to do. It was then that I would "clock out" (check out and numb out) of life for the day by...eating.

(As a side note: I think it is interesting that people with an eating disorder have to learn how to manage their addiction by engaging in it in moderation. Like, can you imagine telling an alcoholic that they have to learn to drink in moderation? Former alcoholics don't try to drink in moderation. They completely abstain from drinking altogether. But obviously one can not completely abstain from eating. Food, and eating, is necessary. So those with an eating disorder--bingeing specifically--have to exercise some pretty intense self control by learning how to eat…and then stop. It was fairly easy for me to not eat. I could go all day not eating. The hard part was stopping once I had started.)

But the reason I used the word "whole" is because a large part of my eating disorder was mental. Here is what I mean by that. If I ate half a cracker, half a cheese stick, a bite or two of a sandwich...and threw away the other part of whatever I was eating...I was good. Binge and/or negative body image feelings avoided. My mind interpreted that as, "you haven't ruined today yet, you have eaten hardly anything, so you're good and you look fine." But if I ate a whole of anything… a whole apple, a whole sandwich, a whole bowl of soup, a mini bag of chips, a entire candy bar…forget it. On a physical+self control level, it would be extraordinarily difficult for me to eat only a moderate/normal amount of food and then call it quits. On a mental+emotional level, even when I was able to eat a normal portion of food and be done…I would typically be emotionally shut down for the day.

Part of my motivation for wanting to be free from this cycle of bingeing was that I realized how my bingeing (or not eating) was affecting my relationships. For example, I wouldn't pick up the phone in the evening if a friend was calling to talk, because I didn't talk to friends during or immediately following a binge. I didn't want anyone coming into that mess…it was my hidden mess. And like I mentioned before, I would shut down emotionally after bingeing. I didn't have the emotional energy to interact with friends. I wouldn't want to talk to anyone and I wouldn't want anyone to talk to me. I would want to be alone so that I could eat and then I would want to be left alone after I binged because I felt gross and ashamed of myself. I mean, think about how you feel after a Thanksgiving meal--completely stuffed. Slightly sick. Sleepy. Relaxed. You want to go take a nap. Well, that is how I would feel after bingeing. Except, a holiday meal is something that usually happens in the context of a community and family. Bingeing is something I did in isolation. I did it when I was alone, I wanted to be left alone so that I could continue to do it, and doing it kept me alone. But it was comforting. It had a payoff. All of our sins and addictions have some kind of payoff…otherwise we wouldn't keeping going back to them. Unfortunately, for me the payoff of bingeing was deeper than staving off the loneliness I felt. As I became more free from this all, I came to realize that beneath my struggles with food there was (there still is) a deeper struggle with depression, anxiety, and a desire for a sense of control. Bingeing with food was a coping mechanism I had developed over the years (and utilized almost daily) to help me handle life…and to help me handle myself.

But I digress. Back to the mental and emotional part of this all.

For years I had associated "meal" with "binge". It was normal for me to binge after a meal. And since my goal of every single day was to eat as little as possible, if at some point during the day I ate an amount of food that my mind told me was "too much" I had this, "what the hell--might as well eat the whole world now" mentality. (Yeah, God might have the whole world in His hands...but I managed to stuff the whole world in my stomach.) So even as my eating patterns changed externally, internally my mind was still telling me that it was time to binge or time to shut down emotionally for the day. I still struggle to not shut down emotionally or to feel like I can't do anything worthwhile with the remaining hours of daylight... (because I tend to feel like I have already ruined the only thing truly worthwhile for that day--not eating so that I can look thinner.)

Slowly I taught myself to eat dinner in the evening…and to still be emotionally available to my roommate (who also happens to be my best friend). Then I learned to eat an afternoon lunch…and move on with my day. Now…"breakfast". This is like the last great frontier for me. By eating in the morning I am starting my day with the thing that I used to end my day with. It is difficult because when I eat a meal, my mind automatically begins to turn off emotional switches. I start to feel like the rest of the day is a waste. And that is extremely frustrating to me because I desire to be emotionally present for my whole entire day.

But over the past year and a half my brain has done a lot of rewiring. Rewiring from depression and rewiring from years of an eating disorder. I have had to teach myself to associate fullness after a meal with meaning that I now have the energy to meet the physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental requirements of the day. So now…that is what my brain is (subconsciously) starting to tell me when I eat meal. Instead of me feeling compelled to continue eating or forced to shut down emotionally, I do feel satisfied and ready to move on with my day with more energy, focus, and the ability to be present in the moment. Whereas before, I would be dreaming about later at night when I would finally be able to check out of life and eat a days worth of calories in a two hour span. This changed mindset is still so new. When I sit down to eat a meal (especially in the morning or early afternoon--yes, time of day matters) my brain still first starts to associate eating with bingeing and bingeing with shutting down. And I have to remind myself that that is not me anymore. Rather, I realize with amazement that that is not me anymore. I eat…and I don't shut down. I'm still in the game. The switches don't get turned off. It's not an extremely conscious thing I am doing anymore--my brain is rewiring. It is now attaching different meanings and feelings with certain activities. It's so weird and awesome.

I almost don't want to say this because I am afraid it will ruin my credibility…but I binged last night. Yep. Even with all of this that I have learned and all the ways I have changed, it is still a struggle and night is the most difficult time. I want to be honest about last night because I don't want to pretend to be at a place with this that I am not. That doesn't help anyone. I am still in the process of figuring this all out. I am still in the process of surrendering my dependancies and trusting God to meet my needs…in the way he wants to meet them. And some nights I don't feel like rewiring my brain. Some nights I just want to eat a damn candy bar. Or ten. And then other nights I feel God tell me that I was made for so much more than suppressing my deepest emotions and hiding my struggles by medicating myself with food or any other substance.